Are you in possession of your life? Or are you just letting someone, or something, else run it?
The meaning of the word ‘your’ is ‘belonging to you’. It indicates you are in possession of something. This brings with it a choice of how you use what you possess, whether a bicycle, a handbag or indeed a life?
So let me ask you again: Are you in possession of your life?
I am imagining some furrowed brows here. Perhaps a thought – “well, duh, of course I am, I’m here aren’t I?”.
Stick with me a bit longer on this. Absolutely – if you’re reading this – then you are in possession of life. You breathe, eat, work, maybe even play a little.
I wonder though, how much are you in possession of YOUR life, not just ‘life’.
It’s that ‘choice’ part of your life, that may not be consciously activated, or you may not be quite fully in charge of!
Allow me to ask you:
How do you feel when you are doing most of the ‘work’ at home or with family without any or much assistance from your partner?
Fed up? Frustrated? Put up with it cos it’s the way it is?
OK, next question.
What do you then do with those feelings?
Ignore them? Nag your partner to do more (well, that one doesn’t work does it?) Blame another for your feeling exhausted? Get resentful? Explode and attack those close to you?
If this is you then quite frankly, there may not be very much YOU in YOUR life, and more of YOU in someone else’s.

Yet I’m sure you’re very busy in your life, doing lots, and maybe not doing much of what you really want to do. Maybe you’re now thinking…oh no, don’t tell me she’s going to ask me to do more things!
Nope I’m not. In fact, were I to ask you to do anything, it would be to do less of what is boring, mundane and tasks you really could leave now and then.
Then I’d encourage you to support yourself in the angst-ridden process of leaving those things alone until either someone else learns to pick up the slack, or you CHOOSE to do them.
Think about it, if you had someone else doing things for you that may be mundane, essential, everyday things, yet need to be done, wouldn’t you allow it to happen too?
Maybe you too would get busy with something you CHOOSE to do so that this could keep happening? Of course you probably would – be a bit crazy not to!.
I remind myself often “Insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results”.
Think about this quote for a second and ask yourself:
How does this apply to the way I run my life?
Have you been doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Yes?

Then time to start work toward getting more YOU in YOUR life? Work on your boundaries.
“We are not at the mercy of our spouse’s behaviour or problems”.

If we don’t take responsibility for our own feelings in the face of another’s unacceptable behaviour or problems, then our helplessness, resentment and ‘poor me’ victim mentality flourishes.
Own and manage your own feelings rather than disowning them and blaming others. This may involve getting support from a therapist to understand what’s happening for you, and will have you learning to ….
Speak up and speak out.
Communication is fraught with difficulty when couched in blame or judgement about what the other is doing or not doing. Try to speak in the ‘I”, about the impact of another’s behaviour on you, versus your judgement on them. For example try “When I see you do xxxxx I imagine I am unappreciated and feel xxxx”. This can radically change feelings of being heard and facilitate a healthier dialogue.
Step out of ‘your story’, imagining that you’re being ‘done to’. Perhaps neither of you are right or wrong, nor better or worse, rather that you may just have ‘different’ perspectives. Then less reactive communication about situations has a chance, rather than reacting from a victim or perpetrator perspective. Lastly, practice ….
Letting go of the “Shouldoughtmust‘s”.
When you hear yourself saying “I should / ought / must do this”, challenge yourself. What would you rather CHOOSE to do versus “shouldoughtmust” do?
Then, as the Nike slogan goes “Just Do It” now and then. HOORAY!!!! YOU’re in YOUR life at that point.
Edna McKelvey
Psychotherapist / Behavioural Coach; McKelvey & Associates
To contact Edna email her at edna@fitforlifeonline.com.au

www.fitforlifeonline.com.au
Bibliography
1 National Library of Australia (1998). The Australian Oxford Dictionary, 1998, Australia: Oxford University Press
2 Online. Albert Einstein, (attributed). (1879 – 1955). http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/26032.html. 12th February, 2009: 10:59am
3 Cloud, H. Dr., Townsend, J., Dr. (2007). Boundaries in Marriage. Victoria, Australia: McPherson’s Printing Group.
4 Stone, D., Patton, B., Heen, S. (2000). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguine Books.