Jason’s a 42 year old IT executive who’s been separated from his wife Jenny for the past 2 years. He’s an intense guy, and the relationship fell apart due to his controlling nature and neediness. They have one child called Samantha who’s 4 years old. Throughout the separation, Jason’s struggled immensely with the change. He still expects to have daily contact by phone with his wife, catch-up for weekly coffees, drop by the house unannounced, and help her out with any current problems. He interrogates her a lot about Samantha, brings up the past, and is possessive and jealous.

Things have got even tenser recently, as his wife has started to see a new man David
who works in advertising, and she’s introduced him to Samantha.
I think we’ve all come across this scenario at some point?!
Breaking up and moving on is hard to do at the best of times, however when kids are involved
it becomes much more complicated. Suddenly you have to think about ongoing parenting
responsibilities, new partners being involved, and sometimes geographical separation from your children. Unlike other types of relationship break-downs, this is one that sees you stay involved with your ex – for life! If you’re confronted with this issue, it’s important to learn to embrace the change and live by new boundaries.
You’ll know when you’re having problems with adjusting to change, as you keep hanging on and trying to continue to be involved with your ex’s life, beyond being a co-parent. Instead of having consistent appropriate contact around you and the children, your involvement will become intense and suffocating.
10 Signs you’re struggling with change:
• You’re still in love with your ex
• You constantly want to meet up with your ex
• You frequently contact them by phone/ email/ text
• You always bring up the past relationship with them
• You ignore boundaries, rules and agreements with your ex
• You get overly involved, suffocating and possessive with the children
• You try to stay in close contact with their friends and family
• You haven’t had sex or gone out with anyone else since the break-up
• You get in the way of them moving on and meeting someone new.
The problem with this situation is that neither of you can move on. Instead, your time will be spent bringing up the past, focusing on current concerns and spending all your spare time together, or resenting that you’re not. By creating space and adjusting to new boundaries, you can create a separated family environment that is healthy for the child, and also gives you both a chance to move on with your lives.
Step 1: Back off and Create space
This is easier said than done. But remember, your current involvement with your ex and
the kids isn’t working. Instead it’s creating tension, conflict anda negative atmosphere. In all break-ups, there needs to be space for each person to adjust to
the new situation and to start to get used to being separate and alone. Embrace this,
and step back for a while and let everyone breathe – the kids and your ex are going to
really appreciate this.
Step 2: Respect boundaries and rules
Having to negotiate new rules and boundaries is difficult after a separation. Ther’s stuill raw emotions floating around , and no-one likes to be told what to do. However, you have a new relationship now – one requiring different rules based on joint agreements. Talk to your ex and outline what expectations you both have around your current contact with them as well as the kids. Also, come to an agreement about how to manage either of you meeting a new partner. Then make a point of respecting this and following through in a reliable manner.
Step 3: Stop bringing up the past
One of the easiest ways to avoid facing change is to only focus on the past. By constantly talking about previous issues and problems, and revisiting old wounds, you’ll never get to move forward and embrace the new separated relationship. Rather, it will create hostility and resentment, old problems will resurface, and it will likely hurt you in the long run when trying to keep involved with your ex and the kids.
Step 4: Rely on others
It’s so easy to fall into familiar habits with your ex whenever you have an issue. They’ve been there for you in the past, and they can often find quick solutions to your problems by giving advice and practical help. However this continues to over involve you in their life and it makes it hard for anyone to move forward. Make a point instead of going to your friends, family and others to get you through the tough times.
Step 5: Prioritise you
Following a break-up, it’s vital that you focus on re-building your life as a single man. This means you need to prioritise you. Begin by targeting your social networks and reaching out to friends – both old and new. Make time for your own interests and hobbies, and start getting into a daily exercise routine. Commit to a healthy eating plan and put limits around your alcohol consumption.
Finally, get used to the idea of going to things on your own, and proving to yourself that you’re strong and can deal with your new found independence (e.g. movies, dinner parties, concerts, sporting events etc.)
Step 6: Work around geographical barriers
For many men, separation results in you having to deal with geographical distance issues. It can place a great strain on your ability to connect with your children and prevent you from having an ongoing physical involvement in their lives. Therefore, if you find yourself in this situation, make it a priority to reach out on a regular basis. This means having set times for phone calls, keep in regular email contact, and always remember important dates and put thought into your gifts. Text them to tell them that you’re thinking about them and prioritise time with them when you do get a chance to see each other. Avoid breaking promises, running late, being distracted when you’re talking with them, and constantly complaining about the situation. They need to know as often as possible that you value them, that you’re reliable and can be reached, and that you’ll always be involved with them on a consistent basis.
John Aiken is a Sydney based clinical psychologist with a passion for helping people build better relationships. Writer of U-Turn: Putting You Back Into Your Relationship he can be contacted directly at www.johnaiken.com.au

Taken with permission from www.fitforlifeonline.com.au