Are dads getting mixed messages?

Life can be confusing at the best of times, but try being dad in the 21st century!

Society is throwing several mixed messages at the dads of today and refined negotiation skills could well be the most compelling solution.

Today’s society has a greater expectation on dads to be active and involved parents. Versus previous generations, we are seeing a new phenomenon which has many dads asking “what am I suppose to do now?”

There’s a renaissance in family values, The Sunday Telegraph February 2010 reported that “98.8% of us can’t wait to get home to our families every day, ranking them ahead of wealth, possession and career in the important things of life.”

This pulse in emerging family values was also detected in the www.dadsclub.com.au survey on ‘what makes husbands happy’: When it came to the responsibility of work, many men felt trapped by work and wanted to spend more time with the family/friends, even if that meant downsising or re-locating. As husbands get older many become more cynical about work. And whilst it serves to provide us money, we become increasingly jaded by the sheer fact of our dependency on it, often at the expense of time with our loved ones.

Anne Hollonds, CEO of Relationships Australia, has observed that because men generally earn more than their counterparts, there is greater incentive for him to be the major bread winner. Yet he can become torn between balancing those long working hours with being really hands on at home, something more and more dads are yearning to do.

Despite companies advocating a balanced life philosophy to their employees, the redundancies of the GFC has demonstrated how short-lived loyalty can be. Despite society’s message of active dads, most working fathers feel vulnerable to request time in lieu for kids’ carnivals, pick-ups and holidays. The guy with negligible dependents, becomes more available and, typically in the eyes of the employer, a greater asset.

Hollond’s argues that negotiation skills can take a lot of the sting out of these situations, better enabling dads to tackle the time they need to be active parents, whilst still maintaining their work responsibilities. She also believes more negotiation skills are required on the domestic front.

Parenting, particularly to young children is primarily sees as a maternal skill, with many mums questioning the competencies of dads. Hollands has observed “society to possess entrenched attitudes that caring for kids is a feminine role. These attitudes will take some time to evolve, particularly when women have difficulty in letting go of their parenting duties.”

One mother revealed she was physically ill, from anxiety, when she left the kids to return to work – it is unusual for men to feel such symptoms of child / parent separation. So if dads genuinely want to spend more time at home, they may need to be very persuasive in selling their nurturing competencies to their partners.

Because truly equally shared parenting is a relatively new concept in today’s families, Dads lack role models. We are the first generation to openly expect actively engaged dads, US President Obama said: “It was not enough to be there, when it was convenient or easy, but what really counted was being there when it was difficult and thankless….Fathers need to step up and realise that their job does not end at conception…To realise that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child – it’s the courage to raise one”. Yet Dads can feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be experts in all things, particularly in their kids’ eyes. As we all know, there are no fatherhood manuals and few role models to assist today’s dads realise their full fatherhood potential. This generates pressure within men that may go some way in explaining why the male suicide rate in Australia is five times that of females.

“A great deal of a mother’s support comes from her own mother, her grandmother, her sisters and friends or even a community based mothers group,” said Dave Woolbank, founder of www.dadsclub.com.au . “Often, dads don’t have the same role models or support opportunities as their partners. Their own fathers came from a different generation when there were different expectations of fatherhood. And parenting issues aren’t often discussed with mates, so it can be particularly tough if you are the first in your friendship group to have a child.”

When fatherless-ness costs the Australian economy $13 billion per annum it is not surprising that society is championing for more balance in the parenting equation. “Parenting is a shared joint venture” said Hollonds, “Working effectively as a team and respecting each others roles is important.”

To truly optimize the balance of both worlds, work and home, dads need to posses heightened negotiation skills.

Go to battle, dude!