So much of the family’s survival, together or separated, depends on the parents’ determination to put parenting before hurt pride and to work together today to give their kids a reasonable and well adjusted tomorrow. See below for tips on getting it right.

Have I ever shared my frighteningly stunning statistic that I can’t think of one teenager I’ve had in the clinic, who has been in serious trouble with the law, who has a good relationship with his dad or step dad?

It’s a fact and when I check with police they give me similar experience. But with 20% of families now in single format and 46% of marriages splitting, it’s a court statistic that will be increasingly confronted, unless changes are made.

Single parents can (and do) do a great job, but how well the kids survive depends a lot on the way the separated couple cooperate.

Let me introduce you to two middle class separating families. You decide which child belongs to which parent. Both separated last year and both had 7 year old sons and both were in dispute over the discipline and the dollars needed to raise their kids.

Family 1: Dick and Dora decided to contact the Federal Government’s Child Support Agency to help resolve the dollar disputes over child maintenance. They worked out between them how the money would be paid and then left the signed agreement with the agency for safe keeping and security should there be a problem. In terms of the discipline, they resolved not to criticize the other and would always try to respect the other’s rights to do the discipline thing differently.

Family 2: Peter and Pixie also disagreed on the money so Pixie refused Peter access to the children, so Peter refused to pay any money. So Pixie told her son to tell his dad that she would go interstate unless he paid up and he’d never see his kids again. So Peter picked his son up from school one afternoon and took him back to his place. So Pixie got the police to go around and forcibly remove her son from Peter’s place because she had legal custody. So Peter went back to court to re-contest custody while the Child Support Agency was forced to step in and directly debit maintenance payments from Peter’s wages. Peter of course is outraged by this big brother bullying and has taken the matter up with the local member, accusing his wife of negligence, promiscuity and being an inappropriate caretaker.

In terms of discipline, Pixie felt that Peter was far too tough and Peter believed that Pixie was far too slack so each tried to compensate for the other’s weakness. One son is class captain and always has friends around. The other sleeps with the light on, calls out for mum to make sure she is still there, sleeps right on the edge of his bed so he can see mum’s door and now can’t even leave mum to go to school.

So much of the family’s survival, together or separated, depends on the parents’ determination to put parenting before hurt pride and to work together today to give their kids a reasonable and well adjusted tomorrow.

For families going it alone here are a few ideas.

1. Getting cross sex contact for the kids is vital (father, aunts and uncles, coach, grandparent etc) so that children in one parent families can develop a healthy sex identity.

2. It’s important that single parent families link up with family, friends, other single parents or family support networks (listed in the Community Services pages at the front of the phone book). This is important not just for understanding and some adult company but for time off, time away from the kids, time to self care or even time to spend in 1:1 with the kids.

3. If the maintenance arrangements aren’t working out then help is as quick as a phone call to the Child Support Agency.

4. If the access and custody arrangements aren’t working out then the Family Court counsellors are there to sort it out if informal efforts aren’t successful. You may be aware that the Federal Government is at last setting up Family Relationship Centres in every city and major regional area to make sure parents do work things out before working each other up into a hateful frenzy of revenge. If you don’t know of any near you, contact your local Federal member for advice.

5. Regardless of parents’ crises the children biologically had two parents and most want to get on well with both. It’s their fundamental right not be asked to take sides, not be used as an adult substitute, or in any other way be deprived of the fun, freedom and friendships that go with being young.

If parents are lonely they must learn to lean on someone their own size. Some level of family breakdown is inevitable in any society and maybe there are some single parents somewhere who believe that going solo is the ideal. But, let me tell you, I’ve yet to meet the child who’d agree!

Dr John Irvine
B.A. PhD, M.A.C.E., M.A.P.S.

Dr John Irvine was born in Sydney and educated at Boronia Park Primary and Fort Street Boys High before following the family tradition, as did his three brothers, of becoming a teacher. John taught in one teacher, primary and central schools before resuming his studies at University of New England where he gained the Shell Prize for Arts and the University Medal. He was then appointed to initiate preschool training in Toowoomba at the University of Southern Queensland where he also set up the state’s first and most comprehensive family day care and family support scheme and has a community house dedicated to his name for services rendered to families in the region.

In 1980 Dr John returned to Pearl Beach on the Central Coast of NSW (where his family were the first settlers) after completing his doctorate and he became the senior academic in Sydney at the Institute of Early Childhood Studies (now the School of Early Childhood Studies at Macquarie University). In 1981 he opened the READ clinic in Gosford, in 1984 he began talk back radio on 2GO and in 1988 he resigned from his academic work after publishing his first book “Coping with Kids” (Horwitz Grahame) to spend more time in his clinic and media work and to be closer to his family (wife Jean, and three daughters – Jenny, Heather and Rosie).

Dr John then published two other highly successful books “Coping with School” (Simon & Schuster) and “Coping with the Family” (Pan MacMillan). In 1998 he released his flagship book “Who’d Be A Parent: the manual that should have come with kids” which is already into multiple reprints and has gained international recognition. Who’d Be A Parent? Book has been recommended by Choice magazine.

Dr John has become Australia’s most heard and read child psychologist with daily radio segments, regular articles in magazines and newspapers and regular appearances on top rating TV shows including 9am With David and Kim on Ch10 and Life Matters program ABC radio. He also undertakes extensive public speaking engagements throughout Australia on parenting, balancing work and family, family survival, home and classroom management of children and teenagers, in his role as Patron of Family Day Care, Home-Start, Kidsafe and NAPCAN.

His book “Thriving at School” (Simon & Schuster) was released in 2000 – this book offers everything educational for parents with children 3-15 years (middle school, school readiness, problems in the classroom/playground, difficult teachers, drugs, bullying etc). It is already into multiple reprints. This book has also been recommended by Choice Magazine.

Dr John released his latest book in 2002 titled “A Handbook for Happy Families: a practical and fun filled guide to managing children’s behaviour”. This book has more humour than previous books and has already attracted international attention towards his management system contained in this book.